Being a stubborn ole creative
writing has certainly taken a back seat these past few weeks and i had to sit down and wonder why. was it because at some point over the past few weeks I had time to sit down and journal and run riot over the pages of my journals and process my life and I simply had no need to spill all of that out onto a substack essay? maybe I could only write about the things that hurt? that makes me kind of annoyed because that feels one dimensional in my mind. I should be able to write about the good as much as the bad no? and yet, when the inner life is peaceful, the words don’t come. strange. and it made me sit back and wonder why that is?
I guess there is something to be said about processing life through writing. I do it often enough. it is my outlet, apart from talking to my best friends. but it is the way that I do my own examination. I sit with myself very often and I try to figure out why that triggered me, what made me so upset in this situation, why someone’s tone makes me feel like I am listening to nails on a chalkboard. I sit and I write and I dig deep until I get to the root of it. seems very wellness woo woo which I am decidedly not, but it is how I keep myself sane and zen. Because truly, no one should have to handle my bad temper but me. So writing is my outlet. somedays I write until the hands cramp, until I have to start sticking pages into my journal because I have run out of room. or I write on my notes app, my notion, anywhere that can hold a large volume of words.
but then come the days when life is quiet, I have not had to do any healing or feeling of emotions and I think to myself, this seems like a nice day to write and then I spend 30mins looking at a blank page waiting for an idea to drop down from heaven but nothing comes. I would take a phrase, an idea, a little popcorn kernel of thought and yet on those days I just sit and stare and then I decide maybe today is not the day and I move on. I read other essays in the hopes that something would inspire, I read or just sit staring outside my window, which feels very Jane Austen, but is a bit creepy considering I live opposite a block of flats and all it looks like is me spying on my neighbours, but anywho. I have tried to force words out, maybe try and squeeze a witty title out of my tired and blank brain but still nothing comes and so the scoreboard looks sad with writing muse 1 and writer 0.
I guess as I write I have learnt a few things about myself and the way I approach the creative things that I do. first things first is that if someone tells me I need to do something creative, immediately all thoughts and ideas go dry simply because the stubborn old man that lives inside of me hates that someone is telling me what to do. but I have also learnt that the more that I try to force something, the less it comes. seems very simple, and I am sure people would say duh to that one but let me reiterate again, I am a stubborn old man that lives in the body of a 31 year old stubborn woman, its very poetic and really irritating. I don’t like people telling me what to do creatively even though a part of me knows that it could be good for me, it makes me take the long way around just on principle. its a little bit masochistic but hey, we don’t kink shame.
But I have learnt that for me, what the guru’s and the teachers and the guides say to do is never what works for me. they say write everyday to move from artist to artisan, but honestly no thank you. I have found that the way that works the best for me is when I am at ease. When no one is telling me what to do or breathing down my neck. I can write everyday when I am at ease but the minute I put a goal or a challenge or some kind of limit or achievement on myself, the well dries and I am back to square one. So the lesson for me has always been, when you are at ease in spirit and mind, that is when the creativity will flow. I feel like I should know this by now, but hey, it never hurts to remind yourself that you are a stubborn old goat and the only person standing in the way of your writing and your creativity is yourself and that regardless of what anyone says, you should just do it anyway. it is your page after all so do with it what you will.
So cheers to being stubborn and at ease all at the same time and all in the name of being creative.
