The Recklessness of Doing Things Your Own Way.

Lately I have been sitting with the fact that this year I am determined to do things my own way. Not out of any sense of arrogance or thinking that I must know best (I truly don’t). But more because I am tired of trying to follow everyone else. Tired of using this formula to make that outcome happen. Weary of following in the footsteps of other people. Sitting in shoes that are two sizes too small and trying to pretend I am not like the stepsisters in cinderella. Trying to make something that isn’t meant for me fit. So the glass slipper flies off, hits someone in the eye, shatters the chandelier and slides delicately onto someone else’s feet instead.

I have since realised that maybe it’s time I stop trying to walk in someone else’s shoes. Stop trying to emulate other people who I deem successful and just keep my eyes on my own paper, as it were. Yet that little worm of comparison continues to wriggle it’s way into my brain (that feels like gross imagery, sorry). I start looking at other people on the internet. Strangers doing what I want to be doing. Living the life I could only dream of living. Writing those beautifully worded essays. Booking those dream clients. They all seem so shiny and golden and I am some dishevelled pauper trying to follow in their footsteps, hoping they let me even get a whiff of what’s going on at the table.

Instagram I have found has been the main cause of this. the access I have to other people. the way I can see what they are doing and in my heart try and copy and paste it onto my own. Hoping that some of their fairy dust might rub of on me through the phone (silly, I know). So I have decided to delete it off my phone and this time it feels permanent. Maybe one day I will be mentally fortified to venture back there but not at the moment. I have done it before. broken up with instagram. left it by the roadside and driven off. But I came back to it, thinking I was ready, thinking it and I had changed. but I didn’t and neither did the ole insta. so there I was scrolling my life away and every post and reel and story I saw just kept reminding me I wasn’t where everyone else was. they seemed so stable. so grown up. proper adults. and here I was just trying to keep my head above water somehow. working a job that slowly killed me on the inside. but surely they had something I didn't? maybe I missed it? If only I could just follow what they were doing. do the courses they did. watch the videos they watched. maybe I would end up where they were.

But to no avail. the courses didn’t magically make me book clients. it didn’t lay out the red carpet to opportunities. but I followed what everyone said I should do, so why didn’t it work? it worked for those people why not me? I would join intensives and workshops and watch everyone else move on to do bigger and better things and I would sit and wonder when it was going to be my turn. wasn’t there enough for everyone? the truth… there is. of course there is. there is so much out there and scarcity as a mindset only hurts you. But if all you’re doing is trying to be what you are not, then it was never going to work.

so a few months ago, I took a good hard look at everything I was doing, I broke up with instagram for real this time and I decided, it was time to deal with my shit my way. Stuff your workshops and your advice. It never really worked for me anyway. I was going to do it the only way I knew how. the slow way. I have never been viral(thank God), none of my posts have ever blown up, I don’t just suddenly get marched to the front of the queue. but I get what I get when I do it my way. When I say “thank you for the advice, but it doesn’t apply here” and carry on. It may seem stubborn and arrogant. maybe reckless and a little self absorbed. but I will do it anyway.

I will move the way that feels the most authentic even if it means I move slower then anyone else. I will do what I want with my website and my substack. I will say yes to the things that I want to say yes to and no to the things that don’t fit. I will write the way that feels the most authentic. do the shoots that challenge me and align with the kind of work I want to do. and everyone else can keep doing what they are doing because there is room enough here for everyone. A rising tide lifts all boats, abundance means we all win right? Everyone is meant to be exactly as they were created, weirdness, flaws, peculiarities and all. what a boring world we would be living in if we were all the same sad shade of beige. what would the poets write about then?

It sounds all well and good but how do we do that? how do we remain who we are in this world that keeps trying to put us all into these neat little boxes or trying to tell us that this one way is the only way forward? the main thing I learnt on this journey, and make no mistake it is a journey, is that you need to figure out who you are. Figure out your likes and dislikes. what turns you on. what lights a fire under your ass. but also, what kind of aesthetic do you like? how do you like your prose to sound. what colours do you hate in a photograph (it’s green and oranges for me). and the crux of it all, do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Because when you try to be like everyone else, you lose the very thing that makes you, you. 

There was a lot of soul searching that had to happen. being honest with myself about what was working and what wasn’t. but also being unafraid to say that I was not going to listen to everything the experts were saying. I was going to do what my gut told me was the right way and if I fail then I learn and go again. there is nothing easy about doing things this way. the value of experience and all that. but sometimes the narrow gate is the only way forward and making that decision is the hardest step. realising that you were wrong and going again, against the grain this time. 

So this moment in time is my line in the sand. I’ve built an altar and sacrificed my old way of doing things on it. I was wondering how I was going to bring this piece to a close when I came across this piece by Neera Mahajan called I Wasted 5 Years Writing On Substack before I understood Positioning In this piece she asks a question of us that I think is worth spending some time on. She asks “ What do I want to be remembered for?” Do I want to be remembered for being like everyone else? People saying “She followed the trends. You could count on her to do what everyone else is doing.” Or do I want to be remembered for being exactly who I am. Would I rather people know me, flaws and all or would I want them to see me blend into the blur of everyone else out there. Every other writer, every other photographer? Or do I want them to remember me for being uniquely me and bring to the world what only I as myself could bring? “She took her time, but she got there and I can count on her to be exactly who she is.” and maybe that is not reckless at all.