Lesson from week 97 of this year.
I have been learning a lot of lessons these past few weeks. January and February have felt 6 months long. Probably because I’ve started working again at some seriously unholy hours. But the lessons have been coming in thick and fast, along with a touch of depression, but that’s neither here nor there. So let’s break it down.
Lesson number 1. I said yes to job I didn’t know if I actually wanted because I needed money. And now I feel stuck in an industry I am trying to get out of and in a job I could not care less about. But there is a cost to making a decision like that and I am paying it with my time and my body. I said yes out of familiarity. Out of comfort and out of the desperation that comes when they are the only place to respond to a slew of job applications. People keep telling me it’s okay. But if I have to give myself a pep talk before every shift it’s not looking particularly great. Now, every work place is not going to be able to fulfill every need. It’s not Jesus. But I would like to enjoy what I do at the very least. But I will give this job its flowers. It’s shown me how much I want to get out of this industry. And it’s a reminder to not apply for these jobs anymore. So there is that.
Now it’s not because the industry that I work in is trash. It’s comfortable. It’s something I have done for years. I know this industry like the back of my hand. But it’s reached the stage where you start to realise you have outgrown it. Like when you put on your favourite pair of jeans only to realise the waistband has started sagging and the seams are all twisted. You can still wear it but it doesn’t sit right anymore. And so we are making moves to correct it.
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Lesson number 2. Is that GPS theory that has been circling the social media drains. It is this idea that when you lose your way with a GPS, it never belittles you or condemns you, it just gently reroutes you to get you back on track. It’s been something I have been thinking a lot about lately. Trying to figure out what the plan is. What the goal is. What the purpose of my life is meant to be. So afraid to put a toe out of line just in case I step so far out of the plan that I start going backwards or in circles, thinking I am heading in the right direction. But this theory, this idea could not have come at a better time. It’s a reminder that it’s okay if you diverge a little. Maybe the diversion is the better way but you just don’t know it yet. Maybe turning left instead of right may take you the longer way around, but oh the things you will see on that journey. And maybe you need to make a u-turn or go through that roundabout. Your destination will always be there. But maybe the plan requires a little bit of a diversion because you have stood paralysed for so long in one place. And maybe just maybe, the plan is to have no plan. That life is messy and unpredictable and uncontrollable. That as much as we think we can control it, it does not work that way. So maybe we just surrender to the tide and let it lead you to the wide open ocean where anything could happen.
As a control freak, that sounds like the worst idea. It goes against every part of how I am wired. But so far nothing I have planned has worked out. So maybe it’s time I stop trying to force things to work out and let the creator of the universe direct me and open the doors that I would never in my dizziest daydreams think to ask for.
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lesson 3. You are just starting out. You have time. I live in a city where everyone moves at a hundred miles per hour. There are things to do, places to go, people to meet, deadlines to fulfill. Where even social things feel like another checkbox. Marriage. Check. Children. Check. High paying corporate job. Check. Travel. Check. House. Check. It’s very easy to feel like everyone you know is leaving you behind. That you are falling behind. Missing out. Or God forbid, not doing as well as everyone else. But I was reminded recently that season 1 of sex in the city starts with all of them being in their early 30s. Trying to figure it out. Trying to build the lives they want. Making mistakes but trying again. Falling in love, getting their hearts broken, but going again. So whose timeline am I adhering to? Mine or someone else’s? If my timeline says, now is when you truly begin then let it be. It’s so easy to look around at everyone else and measure your life against their highlights, against their portrayed life. But if you are moving at the pace you are meant to move at, living a life that brings you joy and makes you happy then is that not already success? And if you aren’t then what are we doing to get ourselves there? so you have time. Time to diverge. Time to try again, try something new. Time to make mistakes. Time to succeed. Time to decide if this is where you want to be or if you need to forge a whole new path.
these lessons have been flying around my brain for the past few weeks. A few more are in there but none as concrete as these. So let’s actually learn from these lessons and let’s do things differently this time. A little bit delusional, a little bit audacious and at 80% instead of waiting for perfection. Maybe it’s time to fuck around and find out, in a good way of course.
