A Reflection on the big C

I read this piece about covid and what it did to people. how it slowed us all down, ground us all to a halt. it was abrupt and jarring and i realised i never really thought about it. I never really worked through it. I was still in uni when covid started. I graduated during a lockdown. I started a business during a lockdown. I worked on writing and art and photography and learnt what it meant it to be a creative in a lockdown. I spent my first christmas and new years away from family and sat only with the company of my own thoughts. I left Sydney and didnt know if I could come back to this place that was mine. to this space that was mine. I went home instead. I spent months at home figuring out the new rhythms and motions of my family. I was unemployed and watching everyone else make calls, work and hustle from home. I wondered what I could contribute besides being another mouth to feed. It was good to be home. I was safe and so was my family and that was all I wanted. But still, I felt like I needed to be doing something. I decided to learn.

To learn about business. To learn about photography. I decided to get technical and learn how to shoot. Learn about colour theory and how to qantify creativity and put it in a box. I sat at my table and learnt about marketing and sales. How to sell. Advertisments and algorithm. Learnt about money and worth, pricing yourself but not selling yourself short. I learnt about lighting and angles. Composition and how to do it like this person. I made my friends become my models. I made them pose and walk in the sun and strike dance poses to make sure I could get as much practice in as possible. Because I needed a portfolio. I needed examples. I needed to be able to show people I was worth them spending their money on me. And in all that learning I forgot how much fun I had being creative. How much it brought me joy to pick up my camera and tell stories and slowly but surely, the business broke apart the art and left it shattered. But i wasnt aware. Not at the time.